WHAT I NEED TO KNOW
AND WHY I’M FIGHTING IT!?
Or, what I want to know and why am I fighting it. Or, what I actually already know and why I’m pretending I don’t. Well, here we are again. This is one of those mornings when I’m fighting doing “this”, my work, the thing I keep running around telling everyone I’m here to do and that I want to do, more than anything else. I guess I have to fess up this morning and tell the truth and, instead, I want to run away and hide and, here come the tears. I get to this place where new information wants to surface from within me and be allowed to pass easily to me and I fight it and start to pretend that I don’t know anything and that everything I believe and espouse is all baloney and I can just feel that I’m wasting time hoping that if I waste enough time I won’t actually have to take this next step. It’s like when my son was little and would cry when he had to do homework, hoping that if he cried enough we would just let him drop out of school at age six so that he would never have to do homework.
Okay, enough. I guess you are really going to see and feel and probably hear me work through this today. So, I’m taking a few deep breaths and feeling where in my body I am really fighting whatever is attempting to come through to my consciousness. I’m also asking if this is mine (i.e., my issue to shift as opposed to working for someone else) and, unfortunately, it appears that it is. Okay then. I’m asking myself what it is that I do not want to feel and why I don’t want to feel it. I’m calling in my guides for help and as I do I distinctly hear one of them say “Finally”.
I wish you could be here with me. You would be laughing at how hard I am trying to avoid doing this today. I took a break to do laundry, bring in my hard core crystals and the sage and tried to book a session with someone who is ”truly” connected. Needless to say, my perfectly good credit card was not accepted on the website. This is because, big breath, I have all the guidance I need. I have all the knowledge I will ever need for my own growth or for that of another, already completely available to me.
So, I come to one of the real questions for today; what is in it for me to pretend that I don’t know? I repeat, for myself and for all of us; WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME TO PRETEND THAT I DON’T KNOW?
I have to sit with this for a while. I promise I will return. Okay, I’m back and this is going to sound bizarre, yes, I know, but more bizarre than usual. Today I am clearing for multidimensional Leslies; clearing multi-dimensionally for Leslie. Now, I have no idea what the heck this means and I’m going to ask for help, which I have just done. What I can tell you is that there is some gunk out there. So, I’m just going to sit with this a while longer, ask for some more guidance, and ask for some explanation that will be understood by my conscious brain and that I can pass along to you.
Well, I’m back. It has actually been a week. All of this bubbled up the day before I was leaving to visit my brother and sister-in-law for a week. I returned last night and it has been quite a week. I did a lot of clearing this past week, which is always an interesting experience when staying with relatives. It did, however, afford me the opportunity to be completely myself or, according to what I was told before I left, my selves, with loved ones who have not previously seen or experienced all of me.
There are several things I would like to share with you today but I believe the question for the day, or, for our time, remains: WHAT IS IN IT FOR US TO PRETEND WE DON’T KNOW? I understand that this could be interpreted as a judgment, but you will have to trust me that it is not. I am sincerely curious, both for myself and for others, as to why we choose to function as though we do not have access to all or at least a very large part of ourselves and our knowing.
I have two stories to share today. The first involves a conversation I had with my brother regarding my son and the amount of will is necessary or advisable to impose to help him get into the University of his Choice. My brother and I are both smart people with law degrees. I was always a self motivated student (read that I understood, nonverbally, the family value placed on HARD work and study and that good things flowed from receiving “A”s on my report cards). My brother is convinced that he would have been a wastrel had he not gone to live with our father as a teenager, thereafter studying with our dad every night until he understood for himself the value of hard work and motivation. I am trying to write this in a neutral manner because I truly don’t know if my brother’s life would have been different, better or worse, if this “intervention” had not occurred. Suffice it to say that he believes it.
Coming from this place of belief in parental intervention for the sake of “good” my brother also believes that I should impose certain strictures on or threaten to withdraw certain benefits from my son if he doesn’t get straight “A”s this year or prepare diligently for his SAT exams. This was an interesting conversation for me because it afforded me the opportunity to really examine my beliefs as they relate to someone over whom I might arguably be said to have “control” and about whose life I might arguably be said to have a “better perspective” than he (my son) does.
So, this is what I know about my son. I know in my heart that he is going to be a “successful” human being. I don’t know how I know this but I do. I think we need to talk about the meaning of “success”, which in this case I am defining as the ability to create the life one wants and some basic understanding of one’s ability to do so, consciously and with intention. There are some days when he fights me on this concept but, after all, he chose me as his mother. I also know that I do not know my son’s “big picture”. I don’t know what he came here to accomplish and, as such, I don’t know whether being accepted to some top US college is in furtherance of that plan or not. I do know that I could impose some draconian measures upon him and “make” him do things the way I want him to. I’m just not sure why I would do that and for whose best and highest good it would be.
I’m not advocating that we simply throw our children or their fates to the wind but I believe I am advocating CONSCIOUS decision making and intention setting. So, the conclusion to which I came is that I need to talk to my son about what he wants to create and if he has any sense of how to get there, and that feels right to me.
The second story I want to share involves me and letting go of guilt so that more of myself is available to me and available for others. I believe this guilt to be the thing I was fighting when I started writing this offering on the day before we left for our trip. In order to do this I am going to share some extremely personal information. I am going to do it in a way about which I feel comfortable and my hope is that you will too because it appears to be important to share.
When I was about six I was placed in a situation that resulted in my being sexualized, and I was. I am just pausing to breathe into this for a minute or two. As a result of this early experience I became an extremely precocious teenager and, throughout my life, when not married, a highly sexual being. Interesting way to put that, but that’s how I was guided to phrase it. Now, I have spent much of my life, in a variety of modalities, exploring and attempting to understand all the ramifications of my childhood experiences including very specifically, this one.
What we want to address and begin to shift today is GUILT. Yes, the dreaded “G” word. Just trust me that the importance of this story for me and for you is to recognize where we are carrying guilt in our lives or for our lives or for our actions in another’s life, and to further recognize how we have been creating from guilt. So, in my early life I felt guilty because my human body actually enjoyed and responded to the sexual activity. I did not want it to respond and I did not want to enjoy it but I was not in total control, my body had an intelligence or system of its own, beyond my will, my human mind-will, and it found some measure of pleasure and joy in the contact and interaction. As I type this I am very conscious of staying in my body and just allowing the energy to flow and circulate and I am sending this ability to feel far beyond the words I am typing to you too.
This past weekend with my husband, after several days of shedding now useless defenses and stories, I came fact to face with what was left of this guilt, allowed myself to feel all of it, and allowed myself to let it go. What followed was the truest experience either of us has shared. For me, sitting here today, I am starting to see how creating from GUILT has contributed to my conscious belief that I do not KNOW, that I cannot SEE, that my CONNECTION is INCOMPLETE.
I am just sitting here with the sun streaming in on me, feeling and seeing this gorgeous swirl of red energy moving around inside my trunk, thoroughly enjoying the sensation. I know there is more to come about this gift of knowing and why we shield ourselves from it but I think that’s it for today. Thank any of you reading this for taking this trip with me today. I am sending my appreciation straight from my heart, through my fingers and onto the page.
From the glimmer of knowing within me to the glimmer of knowing within you…
To be continued…
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