Who said it has to be hard?

Chapter Thirty The Final Entry

2010-04-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

THE FINAL ENTRY

It is 11:10 pm on Wednesday March 31, 2010, and we are very close to the end of this Journal. It was a full moon, a Libra moon, my moon, the other evening and tonight as I look out my office window, the moon is still large and bright as though it were there just for me.

I am off to sit a vigil in a few minutes and so the actual last entry in this Journal will likely be on April 1, but I wanted to start it on this side of midnight, to see what kind of magic awaits….See you when I return.

It is now April 1, 2010. It is April Fool’s Day and as I sit down to write today in some material respects I could say that nothing has changed although I feel within my body, which is the only true thing I know, that everything has changed since I began this Journal, this Journey; because I have changed.

As I am sitting here I am told that “we” have worked our way through all the chakras, opening and cleansing them, allowing them to be more receptive, you and me, to be a receptacle for more love and joy. I have to say, it certainly feels that way to me. Searching around inside myself I cannot feel or find one place that is heavy or tight or that appears or feels to be holding anything. It feels open and light and my mind is quiet. Whatever lies before me, I have this extraordinary sense of anticipation about it. The possibilities for how my life will unfold seem limitless and entirely up to me as creations for my highest benefit.

I know that I love working with people, on the radio, in individual sessions, in workshops and seminars. The connection I feel to someone when I am working with him or her and with our Source is just beyond compare and I want more of it, please.

I am so thoroughly grateful for my life, for my friends, for my family, for my bravery, for my GUIDANCE- thank you for helping me and showing me and comforting me and supporting me and allowing me to feel that I am worthy of all these gifts you have bestowed upon me-and those yet to come.

Who Said It Has To Be Hard? I did, but I truly don’t any longer. I know with every fiber of my being that it does not have to be hard, hard is a choice. And if it doesn’t HAVE to be hard for me, then it certainly doesn’t have to be hard for you. Hard is the message embedded and encoded in worthless and unlovable. I believe our path is to know our worth, at least it has been for me, and as I ask I am told that it is at least, in part, the path of all who are here at this time. By being willing to just believe that I am worthy and lovable and being willing to believe that there is support for me to find the ultimate freedom in those places, I have been blessed with support, both incarnate and disincarnate, from every part of the Galaxy (or my current understanding of that concept) that I previously found unimaginable.

I truly believe there is healing embedded in this text, because I am told there is and because my Journey is not singular or unique and because I agreed to share it with anyone choosing to share it with me for the purposes of growth and clarity.

I have remembered how much I love writing and it is a joy for me to write and to read what I have written so I will be doing much more. This Journey(al) is ended but my life is to be gloriously continued for as long as it lasts. So thank you, one and all, I honor you and all of us.

From the light and love within me to the light and love within you.

Chapter Twenty-nine BRING IT ON! Gotterdammerung and Courage

2010-03-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

BRING IT ON!

I subscribe to a web-based service called Wordsmith. Every weekday I receive an email with a new word, its pronunciation, etymology, meaning and usage. I love this service because I love words; which is somewhat ironic given that I am using them less (at least verbally) while relying on information derived from my senses more. Nonetheless, it is a great service and I have learned some incredibly useful and descriptive words. As is often the case, today’s offering from Wordsmith presented the answer to my unspoken request for guidance on today’s offering in this Journal. Today’s Wordsmith word is:
Gotterdammerung
PRONUNCIATION:
(got-uhr-DAM-uh-roong, -rung)
MEANING:
noun: Complete destruction of an institution, regime, order, etc.

I love it! Complete destruction of an institution, regime, order, etc. Today’s Who Said It Has To Be Hard Blog word is:

Courage

Pronunciation: \ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English corage, from Anglo-French curage, from quer, coer heart, from Latin cor — more at heart
: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty *
the ability to do something that you know is right or good, even though it is dangerous, frightening, or very difficult **

So, in the face of Gotterdammerung, our gift to you today is Courage. From the heart; the ability and the strength of character to do something you know, in your heart, is right or good, even though it is dangerous, frightening or seemingly very difficult. Today, as this Journal draws to a close, our gift to all in these seemingly turbulent times is courage. We are opening a pathway directly to your heart as I type these words and send my courage and our courage to you directly from my heart and through my hands, through the keyboard, through the airways, through the ether, and right straight into your heart, like an arrow from my quiver, shot from my bow, right straight into your heart. And from today on, you will be and feel emboldened to do what your heart knows is right or good for you, even though it seems dangerous, feels frightening or appears very difficult. Because your heart knows what is right and good and your heart knows that the seeming danger, fear and difficulty are all just illusions designed to help you grow, test your mettle and trust your heart.

All around us Gotterdammerung is in full bloom. Institutions, regimes and orders are being shaken to their roots and it’s about bloody time! I do believe there is a new way and it is based on harmony, integrity, love, kindness, compassion, truth, respect, collaboration and creation. I do believe that all relationships, between individuals, businesses and governments are being asked and given the opportunity to base themselves on cooperation, integrity, holding each other able, creation from the heart-for these are the seats of our real power; these are the bedrock upon which a new society on Earth with respect for all, can flourish.

So let’s shake some shit up! Let’s have some things topple! Let’s let go of some control, or our illusions that we are in control. Let’s recognize that we are energy and our creations are energy; that they carry the seeds of the intentions with which they were planted and if the seeds hold the memory of greed and fear, hatred and anger, corruption and feelings of worthlessness, the institutions thus created cannot look or be any different. And so it is with our individual creations, our lives. If we are creating from fear or lack or feelings of unworthiness or dishonesty- how can our lives look any differently?

Bring on Gotterdammerung! Because I know that the power of creation from the heart, from our hearts, can build a shining world in which everyone with courage will feel that he or she has, at last, come home. Welcome to the new world. To those who join with me in this I feel so grateful. To those who need to believe I am misguided I give you my respect and hold you able to have exactly the experience you came here to have without needing to define it for either of us.

For tonight, it’s enough that I Believe.

From the Gotterdammerung within me to the Courage within you….

To be continued…

* Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary
**Macmillan Dictionary

Chapter Twenty-nine Immediate Manifestation-The Opposite Of Hard

2010-03-27T14:31:00.001-07:00

IMMEDIATE MANIFESTATION
THE OPPOSITE OF HARD

March 27, 2010, four and one half days to go before the official end of this Journal. To any and all of you who have read this and followed this journey with me including, specifically, my husband’s nephew who thinks this is a jumbled mess and that I am seriously in need of therapy, I thank you for your time, your energy and your attention. If I have helped you in any way or given you cause for thought (including the thought that I am misguided) then I have accomplished my secondary objective. My primary objective has been to understand, work through and transcend the concept that it has to be hard.

I’m sure it is not coincidental that on April 2 I will be starting a workshop, this time for women, to help them understand and resolve, easily and with love, any issues they are holding with respect to body image or the ability to love and appreciate their physical selves.

I realize that what I am about to say is a terrible generalization but it appears to me that men, at least the men I have known, revere hard work and believe that it is “good” to “work” hard. They seem to be more forgiving of themselves when it comes to “non-work”. Conversely, women, at least in my observation, seem to believe that they must work hard at everything or maybe they believe that everything has to be hard. I don’t know the answer but this set of observations raises the questions; do women feel less worthy of “ease” than men, do women on a subconscious level feel they have more for which they need to be forgiven than men; are women in this lifetime paying off some cosmic debt? Is it possible that one lesson all women have the opportunity to learn, now, is that it does not have to be hard and that in challenging the assumption that hard is good, anything they are carrying that is in the way of “easy” will come up for consideration and resolution?

I believe with all my heart that it does not have to be hard anymore. I know there are still lessons which, even if painful, do not have to be hard. Sitting here today though I also realize that to some extent I have been hedging my bets. There are a few things in my life that I want to manifest immediately and by that I mean by the official end of this Journal. I have hesitated to make a demand for them because I did not want to look foolish if they did not occur, because some part of me has remained afraid to believe that I can have all my desires satisfied; in short, trust.

So, it’s official. I trust, I believe, I have already been told that I look foolish so, what the heck! Here’s the official list of what I want or want more of by April 1, 2010:

Firm contract for the sale of Burnham Road property
Repayment of the loan to my friend
New and unsolicited callers to Pearls of Wisdom
A minimum of 5 clients per week
Official affiliation that is mutually profitable with my friend the pharmacist
Plans for the mother of all shopping trips!

I think that’s good for five days. I promised myself a lazy day and, notwithstanding that promise, I have, yet again, been working “hard” on enlightenment so I think that’s it for today.

From the atavistic desire to be in control within me to what I hope is no desire to be in control within you….

To be continued…

Chapter Twenty-eight WHY ARE WE HERE AND WHO SAID IT HAS TO BE HARD?

2010-03-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

WHY ARE WE HERE
AND
WHO SAID IT HAS TO BE HARD?

Over these months and as chronicled in this Blog I have been on a journey of self discovery which started with the question; Who said it has to be hard? As with all of my journey in this lifetime and especially in the last few years, part of the quest to find the answers has led me to look inside myself and part has led me to places far beyond the physical me. Ironically, in some ways, things in my life are so much less resolved than they appeared to be when I started writing. The status of my marriage is a question mark, my friend has not yet repaid my loan, my consulting business appears to be taking flight; but I love the appearance of “not knowing” and the feeling of not “being in control”.

I have worked through and let go of so many illusions about who I am. I see that I made it hard because I felt unworthy of having things come easily (at least some things). I made it hard because I felt guilty about things done in this life and many others and so, felt undeserving, not necessarily of things, but of ease. I made it hard as a way to punish myself for past sins and squandering past successes. I made it hard so I could relate to others on the planet who are struggling and who, if needing and wanting my help, could learn from my journey.

I have learned just how brave I really am and I am blown away by what I am and have been willing to look at, feel and let go of in this and, now, many other lives. One of my friends recently gave me a compliment saying that I constantly challenge myself. It may look like a challenge but, in truth, I am striving for “more” because I know that “more” exists. As I know more of the unlimited part of myself that is spirit I also know that I can incorporate more of that spirit into my life and human existence and I am, frankly, greedy and hungry to do exactly that because it feels so amazingly great.

When I started this Blog I felt, but did not yet “know” that it doesn’t have to be HARD. Through this journey I know in every fiber of my being that it does not have to be hard. I can choose to make it hard and there may be times when I do that but the great news is, if I go there, it will be a CONSCIOUS choice and not because HARD is my default.

I am worthy. I am beautiful, both in body and in spirit. I am lovable. I am loving. I am creation. I am gifted. I am more than willing to use all my gifts for the benefit of others. I am joy, love and light in a human body and I will have all my gifts so that I can shine that light for myself and anyone who wants to see it. And whatever I am, each and every one of you is too. We are all joy, love and light in human bodies and I urge each of you to take one step back from the apparent drama of your life to consider the “moreness” of you.

So, who said it has to be hard? I did, but I don’t any more. I know, for me, and for anyone else who decides to do it differently, it isn’t hard; it’s our choice.

From the knowledge that is doesn’t have to be hard, within me, to the knowledge that it doesn’t have to be hard, within you….

To be continued…for a few more days!

Chapter Twenty-seven The Importance of Forgiveness

2010-03-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

THE IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS

This past week I have spent a great deal of time hanging out with the dichotomy I have created for this lifetime. This is hard to admit, although any of you who know me probably already know this; I have a need to feel important. The part of me that is spirit knows how “important” “I” am but I do have to admit that the human part of me likes to feel important to people. The interesting and, of course, completely un-winnable dichotomy is that I do not (or have not until very recently) allow myself to see how important I am to the people in my life. I have, throughout this life, consistently undervalued my significance and my contribution to those around me while wanting, probably more than anything, to feel significant and as though I have contributed and that my contribution is appreciated, or at least recognized.

I have set it up so that I can simultaneously feel insignificant and unimportant, be angry about not being “recognized”, valued or “understood” and then can leave those situations or those people, who I now see, have loved and valued me tremendously, without feeling guilty about leaving. Wow! Who said it had to be hard? Clearly, I did.

Allowing myself to see how much people have cared about me, have wanted to be with me, have loved me, have learned from me, have relied on me and have valued my contribution to their lives has been pretty humbling. And in writing or reading this, it might seem very personal to me but I am advised that it has “broad impact and application”. There will be those of you out there who yearn to feel important while simultaneously refusing to acknowledge how very important you are to the people in your lives.

(Author’s note: I left off writing this installment at the previous paragraph approximately a week ago. I intended to finish it when or as this issue was shifting. Coming back to it now I see there has been a big shift for I know, throughout my entire being, that I am loved and held in esteem by the people I have touched and, most importantly, by me.)

Chapter Twenty-six Sex, No Drugs and Rock and Roll

2010-03-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

SEX, NO DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL

There are many themes I’m working with this morning and I am not yet consciously aware of how, or if, they intersect, so we will just have to see where the dots connect. Two of my best friends have birthdays, respectively, today and tomorrow and I am just constantly amazed and grateful to have created such a smart, fun, interesting, wonderful, supportive and awake group of friends. Now, that was an interesting experience because I wanted to distance myself from having created this circle of friends. I wanted it to have been luck or divine intervention or deus ex machina, or just about anything other than my creation. And this is so notwithstanding that about a year and a half ago I specifically asked for a more spiritually aware and less humanly judgmental group of friends. Some old friends left, some new ones showed up and the ones who stayed (including me) have lost, for the most part, the judgments and ramped up the spirit.

Ok, I see the dots connected and, as usual, I should have known that it is all about ME. Today I am going to step into something huge, right in front of your and my very eyes and I’m happy to report that I’m chagrined about this more than nauseated or wanting to bite off my left leg. So, dear readers (and Leslie) today I claim my ability and, yes, the dreaded “P” word, POWER (jeez I couldn’t even type it correctly I’m so uncomfortable with it). I’m just going to breathe into the concept of my power, my abilities, my role, my gift, in this and every other lifetime and I feel it as energy but a warm energy like someone placed a slightly warm and electrified blanket or shrug on my shoulders (ok a mantle).

I have been creating a lot lately and not wanting to own it. But I see now how foolish that has been because I cannot teach people that they can create their lives, and I truly believe THEY can, if I’m not willing to own having created mine. And the interesting, at least to me, thing is that I am great at owing my creations when they look bad or messed up. I have just been terrible at owning and unwilling to own them when they look fantastic (as many of them actually do).

To put some of this in context: in late November or early December I was guided to put together a radio show where people would call in with their problems or issues and, through guidance, I would help them shift the situation or at least gain some significant insight about it, while on the radio. I was offered, and accepted, opportunities to have such a show, but at a pretty hefty charge to me. I absolutely believed that there would be a radio station in my area, where I could have a show at no cost to me. It is now March 12 and on March 10 I did my second broadcast from a new radio station in a town near mine where I have been offered a weekly show at no charge to me. Added to this creation is that my best friend is acting as the moderator, I get to have a guest on the show to interview each week so I get to hang out with some wonderful and amazing people and the people who created this station are just fantastic and a joy to work with. So there!

I have created some changes in my personal life as well. Any of you who have followed this blog know that my husband has often showed up to help me learn some lessons and for that participation and dedication I am truly thankful. Whether through his need or mine, or possibly both, many of those exercises have been painful, angry and sad. I have learned to trust my knowing, to love, honor and value myself, that lessons do not have to be learned from pain, what love means to me and the most recent lessons are how deeply and how much some people in this life value me and that I forgive myself for everything I have ever done in any life that has come forward into this life to be healed and forgiven. If that sounds like a mouthful, believe me it was! And I’m just sitting here paying homage to the work I have done and been willing to do and I am thanking, from the bottom of my heart, everyone in and not in a body, who has helped me with these lessons.

I am done fighting, I am done with guilt and with learning lessons from pain and I have created a situation where I am in my beautiful and wonderful house with my son for 10 days at a time and then in another beautiful and wonderful house by myself for another four days on a rotating basis. And in both houses it is calm and peaceful and beautiful and supportive and loving and it just feels great. And I wish my husband, whom I love, all the peace and love and beauty and happiness and fun he wants to create.

Next I’m going to create unlimited wealth so that I can travel and create an amazing space, with all my wonderful friends, where people can visit to be pampered inside and out, take classes, be supported and furthered in their growth and learn that it does not have to be hard.

I think that’s it for today. I’m going to get dressed up to take my friend to lunch for her birthday and just enjoy my creation.

From the unlimited ability to create within me, to the unlimited ability to create within you….

To be continued…

Chapter Twenty-five It's March and I'm Still Here!

2010-03-03T10:32:00.000-08:00

IT’S MARCH AND I’M STILL HERE!

Wow, what a month. I apologize for taking such a long break but it was necessary and I have learned a ton! Some of my circumstances have shifted radically and in others I know it’s coming. Some of the shifts I cannot discuss now because they involve other people who are still alive and would have me killed if I revealed their names or information about them (only kidding, I hope). I do promise, however, to reveal all before this blog is finished. Sitting here, I believe my last installment of this blog will be on April 1, 2010. April Fool’s Day would seem to be about the most appropriate day to move along to something(s) new.

So, what have I learned? First and foremost I have realized that while I have been giving my spirit and my spirit-hood unlimited value I have not been valuing my life. Let’s just pause for that concept and breathe into it. I have been seeing my spirit as having value but not my human life. I am told that I am not alone in that experience or creation so I will linger over it a bit longer while its essence seeps into anyone needing a wake-up call as to the value of this human existence, this life, this turn of the wheel.

The minute I realized that I had not been affording my life equal value with my spirit-hood I also realized that I love this life, with all its craziness and seeming imperfections and, yes, joy and pain, and I’m not remotely ready for it to end. And I’m just breathing into that as well and allowing it to fill me up.

The really ironic, or, I guess, perfect, thing is I have been creating and manifesting my creations almost instantly this past month. Everything I have wanted to occur has occurred. And I am really breathing into that because there is still a part of my conscious mind that cannot or will not grasp that reality (I wanted to write “concept” to further distance myself from it). Everything I have wanted to occur, has. EVERYTHING I HAVE WANTED TO OCCUR, HAS. Holy you know what!

Now, if this were a good news-bad news story or, more aptly, joke, that would have been the good news. The bad, BAD, BAD news is that the guilt and lack of worth to have everything I want from about every lifetime (and I’m assured there were many) has come bubbling up to be forgiven and healed so that I can actually enjoy my creations; my life. Let me tell you, looking at, or trying not to look at the pain I have inflicted on others for lifetimes and embodying the guilt that arises from those actions is quite a bit like childbirth without anesthetic while lying naked out in a field in the frozen tundra during a snowstorm.

So last night I came up against it and it appears to have been so bad that I would not even let myself see it in a past life regression. And I have seen a lot of bad s***! So after crying my eyes out in grief, pain, shame and contrition for what I am certain amounted to wars, pestilence and, in general, bad behavior, I decided to be willing to forgive myself. That may not sound like much, but believe me, no feel me, it’s a lot. I am willing to forgive myself. I am willing to resolve all of these energy trails and vestiges of guilt NOW, here and now, in this lifetime and for all future lifetimes. I am willing to be free of guilt. I am willing to enjoy my creation and this life without equivocation or hesitation and I am not actually feeling that exhilaration yet but for last night and for today, being willing is enough.

Our gift to me and you today is the creation of a vortex (I can’t believe I actually used the “V” word) at the base of our spines, at our root chakras, and it will act and is acting as a “drain” allowing all guilt and sadness and pain for past actions to just drain away and be healed and transformed into love. And as the pain and guilt drain out of our bodies what is being replaced is forgiveness, complete and utter forgiveness and tenderness for ourselves from ourselves-all of ourselves.

From the prayer for forgiveness within me to the hope for forgiveness within you….

To be continued……

Chapter Twentyfour Who Said It Has To Be Hard, Revisited

2010-01-13T13:03:00.001-08:00

WHO SAID IT HAS TO BE HARD
REVISITED

I started writing this blog as a wakeup call to me and to anyone resonating with me at the time about our seeming reverence of “Hard” and our seeming belief that in order to qualify for or be worthy of anything good we had to do something (or maybe everything) in equal proportion “Hard”. I can see and, more importantly, feel, how much I have changed during the process of writing this blog and the transformation the decision to do so set in place. And I can feel that the end of this blog is near and each time I think that I get a ton of energy so I know that is correct. I have enjoyed writing this blog so thoroughly and have found it to be such a wonderful vehicle for working through and releasing my “stuff” I know there will be others; I just haven’t seen them yet. So, we have a few more days to go before this one is put to rest or sent out into the Universe with all my gratitude and respect; and today, I want to revisit my major premise: Who Said It Has To Be Hard?

For anyone who has been following this story you may recall that I had loaned a lot of money to a friend for a real estate (maybe The real estate) venture which triggered a tax liability to the IRS which I was unable to pay because my friend had not yet paid me. Within the next week I will have an answer, or, I’m being told, at least one answer to that conundrum and I believe I will end the blog with the end of that part of the story.

Not a segue: This is a huge week for me in many ways and they are all awesome. Tomorrow I am doing my first hour long call-in appearance on News for the Soul; the gentleman with whom I am in contact about representing me in finding a market for Helen’s and my radio call-in show will be listening; I met someone over the weekend for the first time in this lifetime whom I have clearly known forever and I am more than intrigued to see why we were brought together again at this time; I had my first client via telephone as a result of my original interview on News for the Soul; I believe I have finished or am close to finishing my painting “World of Form” (which will be posted on the website http://www.wholeyshift.com/ later today) and last but not least, I know there will be some resolution of my friend’s real estate venture. WOW! Say it again, two times: WOW WOW!

I do not believe it is coincidental that the last month and the next 36 hours or so are some of the most power-packed hours of the year and I’m just hanging out here with all this energy that is positively crammed with anticipation, possibility and promise for delivery. And I’m just breathing into those feelings of anticipation, possibility and promise as I sit here and type and I’m sending them out to you through my fingers and my heart so that you can experience them too.

I have told you all of this not only because I am excited about it but, more importantly for the purpose of our exercise and gift to you today, because all these occurrences and opportunities could be loaded with anxiety and could form the basis of HARD work, HARD study, HARD preparation and HARD on me. So, I am delighted to say that I am the opposite of anxious, completely excited and full of enthusiasm. I can also tell you that I had planned to spend the day working HARD on becoming enlightened so that I do a great job fixing everyone who calls tomorrow in 30 seconds or less. Indeed, our dear astrology teacher, for whom I have complete respect and in whose advice I have a lot of faith, has been encouraging us to set intentions, develop ritual, focus and be clear so that we don’t waste this energetic opportunity and I was really starting to speed up, buying into that advice.

And then, this morning I had another epiphany; my heart is pure, my guides are here to help me; my aspirations are fully in line with my higher self and my highest potential and there is no part of this creation that I have to control or worry about. All I have to do is believe in my creation, step back and enjoy seeing how it comes to form. Let me repeat that: all I have to do is believe in my creation, step back (energetically and otherwise) and enjoy seeing how it comes to form. So, the real epiphany today is that I DON’T HAVE TO WORK HARD. Not on any of it, not a bit. I might choose to because it brings me joy but I know in my heart of hearts today that I don’t have to ever again in order to bring success, knowledge, enlightenment, love, joy, money, anything in form.

I believe I am worthy, I am here to serve, I am here to live in joy, I am here to be unconditional love in a human body, I am here to learn and to grow and to feel and to teach. I am here and I believe 1000% in my creation and in my support system, both in and not in bodies, and as my friend and mentor, Ellen, keeps repeating and which I think I finally understand today (apparently I do) I CAN’T GET IT WRONG!

So, our gift to you today, even though you may not consciously understand it and even if you may consciously fight it, is to know in your heart of hearts that YOU CAN’T GET IT WRONG either. Man, I’m just buzzing right now. That was cool, and I’m being told to remind you that this is not the same as being a know it all!

From the sense of relaxation brought from knowing within me to the sense of relaxation brought from knowing within you….

To be continued, but only for a while….

Chapter Twentythree 2010, Judgment And The Purpose It Serves

2010-01-07T16:47:00.001-08:00

2010
JUDGMENT
AND THE PURPOSE IT SERVES

Hello again and Happy 2010. I can’t believe that today is January 7 and it is my first blog of 2010. I thought I had written something previously but it must have been in a dream. Anyway, let’s go; so much excitement, so much anticipation, such a wonderful and inspiring year in store! I don’t know what it is (apparently I do) but I just love writing 2010. I feel all space aged and modern and refreshingly innocent at the same time. 2010, 2010, 2010, 2010. Love it!

I’m in a particularly irreverent mood this afternoon and even though I have some things I want to write about, I’m finding it hard to feel “serious” so, I just won’t. I have always been fascinated by the stars, astronomy and astrology so I’m very excited to be starting an astrology class tonight. The astrologer is also a very talented intuitive so I’m sure the class is going to be fascinating and inspiring. I do know that 2010 is going to be an extremely powerful and astrologically supportive year for change and transformation. If you have things you want to shift, behaviors you want to change, thought patterns you want to alter, places where you are stuck and want to experience some movement, this is the year for you. At this point, you all know that I work by intention, so I would suggest that you set some for where you would like to go or for the new experiences you would like to have, ask for some help and be prepared for some change.

I was thinking today about judgment, unconditional love and self sacrifice and how they might (or might not) interrelate. In all and brutal honesty I was judging my husband for not getting things (that I thought needed to be done) done. I was also reminding myself that I have recently agreed to be unconditional love (yes, I said I have agreed TO BE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE). What does this mean, you ask? Damned if I know, I reply, but I will let you know when I get there. Seriously though, or as seriously as I can approach anything today, I have agreed to just be in my immensely vast heart with all the love available in our and every Universe that comes through it, and to just be that love 24/7. And when I’m that love, I don’t need to judge anything or anyone and I can just know (or at least be willing to believe) that whatever anyone, including my husband, is doing (or not doing) is exactly what they need to do (or not do)
in order to learn their lessons. Remembering, of course, one of my major tenets; that I do not know the big picture for anyone else and, as such, how could I judge their choices or actions?
While thinking about these things I had an insight today about the nature of being unconditional love and that is; it is not the same as self-sacrifice. I do not have to be self-sacrificing or to sacrifice myself in order to be UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And that insight made me really happy because I do want to be Unconditional Love but I do not want to sacrifice myself or feel that I must, somehow, sacrifice myself for someone or anyone else. So, I don’t know if Mother Theresa believes in self sacrifice and if she does, I am definitely not Mother Theresa, but I am committed to being UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and I do believe that the power of the love I have agreed to be can move mountains and shift energy and bring joy and create unlimited abundance and feel the heart of a sparrow beating and, mostly, help to create a world in which we are all valued and in which we all might want to live (or maybe that’s a judgment).

From the hope and promise of 2010 within me to the hope and promise of 2010 within you I wish you the best year it is possible to have as spirit in a human body.

To be continued…

Chapter Twentytwo A Gift At Christmas: The Family We Have Always Wanted

2009-12-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

A GIFT AT CHRISTMAS
THE FAMILY WE HAVE ALWAYS WANTED

I know, you’re asking what a nice Jewish girl like me is doing giving Christmas gifts from the Universe. I can’t help it. I love Christmas. I have always loved Christmas (and I did light my Chanukah candles this year, at least until I ran out of candles). So, please forgive my partisanship and please feel free to substitute any holiday or denomination you would like. I believe my point is that Christmas is associated in my mind with holidays at my Grandmother’s. Her name was Pearl and she really was a role model for me of the quietly capable woman who just gets things done. No suffering for that lady and no victimhood either. She died about fourteen years ago, before I thought about things the way I do now, so I never asked her if she saw herself as the creator of her life. However, she is one of my main guides, so I will ask her now that I have thought of it.

She and I had this bond that was beyond words. Her son, my Dad, was her favorite and I was the first grandchild and the first and only girl until my cousin, Amy, was born as the last grandchild.

Those holidays were always filled with excitement, hope and promise, and a sense of safety and of continuity. There in that house in Kendallville, Indiana, no matter what had occurred elsewhere in my life that year, I felt and knew I was loved and appreciated.

Sitting here today, some forty or fifty years later, I see the themes of my life, and maybe of many people’s lives. I have striven to feel loved and safe, appreciated and optimistic and I would like to believe that, like Pearl, I am a quietly capable woman (ok, maybe not so quiet but I’m pretty sure I get points for capable). And I am very grateful that there was at least one place in my world where as a child I felt entirely loved, appreciated and safe to just be me. And I do see, clearly, how my life up to this point has been a quest to feel those uniquely human feelings within myself for my self. Again, I am moved to tears because, Watson, I believe I have arrived. Yea, no jokes, I have arrived.

I don’t think that it is coincidental that the people with whom I am working currently are feeling the loss and the lack of the sense of security and complete love and acceptance in their early lives and how that lack and loss has contributed to them currently experiencing themselves as damaged or less than.

I wish, as I am sitting here, that I would take my huge heart and all the love in it and all the love that I feel right now for all the wounded souls inhabiting Earth and just shift them and their realities so that they could see and feel themselves as whole and worthy and more than enough. But before I can do that I believe we each need to make a choice to see ourselves in this new light, to give up our stories about not being good enough, to turn away from our victimization and to just be willing to believe that we have the capacity to love ourselves unconditionally, to provide a place of safety and acceptance of ourselves, within ourselves, and, possibly most importantly, to fee that giving it to ourselves, as opposed to getting it from someone else, is enough.

Thank you Grandma. Thank you Dad. Thank you Leslie.

So, without further ado, wherever you are, I wish you love, both of self and other, light and as much joy as it is possible to experience in a human body.

From the innocence and anticipation of the child within me to the innocence and anticipation of the child within you…
To be continued…

Chapter Twentyone No Wonder My Players Are Tired!

2009-12-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

IT’S TIME TO CHANGE UP
OR
NO WONDER MY PLAYERS ARE TIRED!

Hello again. I know it has been a while since I last wrote but you will be glad to know that I have been busy living! Yeah! And actually enjoying it! Say it two times! This has been an amazing couple of weeks and I want to tell you all about it and then I want to share what I have learned. And in this sharing will be our gift to you all in this holiday season, in this time of birth and endings, in this time of reflection and anticipation.

My weeks: Years ago I envisioned a radio call in show where people with blocks or issues would call in and have them shifted or call in and receive some new awareness regarding their issues from some gifted energy shifter healer type person who was not me. The person I had in mind at the time was not interested and so I forgot about the concept. It was brought to my attention again very recently and I was told, clearly, that I was the one to do it. So, as I approach most things in my life, for good or evil, I just decided to go and do it. I called a couple of people I know who had contacts in radio and I reached out to someone I don’t really know who I thought had a recording studio.

Anyway, within one week my friend, Helen, whom I had roped into being the moderator for the show, and I had taped a demo disc with three most excellent volunteers which sounds wonderful, was a fantastic and uplifting experience and which I intend to shop around in the new year.

That same week about 17 people sent me an email from Soul News, which is a web based show focusing on topics, speakers and events of an inspirational nature. Soul News has a feature called Gifts from the Soul throughout December and at the time I received the last email there were two spots available for applicants seeking to share their “gift” via a webcast. I applied and was chosen as one of the presenters. The host of the show is named Nicole Whitney, and I already know we are going to be in each other’s lives. Our interview was aired, live, this past Wednesday, the day after we cut the demo disc for the radio show. The synchronicity of this is not lost on me. Anyway, after the webcast with Nicole, she offered me an opportunity to be more of a regular on Soul News and we are going to do an hour long call in on January 2, 2010. What you’re not hearing here is me deciding to not go to” Holy Shit, what am I doing here” and me, instead, deciding to go to TRUST that if these opportunities are being provided for me so easily that I will be supported when the time comes and not left sounding like a complete Bozo on the air.

On Thursday of this week, after literally weeks of no calls from clients, I was called by two new clients who I saw on Friday and yesterday. Both experiences were unlike any I have had with a client and both left me feeling absolutely energized and very grateful for more reasons than I can enumerate.

I wanted to share all of this because it will allow us to see where and how far each of these threads extend and what and who we will encounter along the way. I also share all of this because I know, 100%, that my life is being guided because I have finally let go, given up control, and allowed the guides, whom I have been asking for help and guidance for years, to do their work. That’s it; I have been asking and in some cases, begging, for help and guidance, while holding my structure in place energetically, I believe, out of fear of letting it all go.

Sitting here now and looking back over the past couple of months, I see a progression. Somewhere along the way I really did agree to give up, give in and let go and there has been a clearing process taking place within me to facilitate that and to bring some of it to my awareness. And as that clearing process has taken place I have felt, increasingly, my internal strength that comes from my connection to my higher or spirit self and to the connection with my guides and which manifests itself in the world of thought as a knowing (and I’m just taking a moment to breathe into and enjoy that sense of knowing) that I am worthy of my own love and acceptance, of all the support, both worldly and otherworldly, that I am receiving, and that I can have faith in my decision to turn the “control” over my life to my guides.

Not a segue:
I started a new painting a couple of weeks ago as well. It is entitled “The World of Form” and it is about bringing to form, three dimensional forms, all that the Universe has to offer. So, as I have been working on this painting, which, as we know, is a metaphor, for working on me around this issue, all these cool things have been happening in my life. As my life appears to be speeding up dramatically I have had moments when I wanted to grab onto something “solid” and hold on for dear life but I have also had the awareness in those moments that to hold on is also to apply the brakes energetically out of fear of not being in “control” and, I am proud to say, I have resisted the urges. There is something just wonderfully, awe-inspiringly, exhilaratingly, freeingly, fabulous about hurtling through space just knowing that I’m going to have a soft landing in a place I have always wanted to be; until I’m picked up and hurtled again to the next place I have always wanted or needed to be. I am so moved by this understanding that I’m sitting here sobbing. So, I’m sending some of this great relief and comfort that comes from knowing beyond knowing to all of you as I type these words and all of this comes from us with all our love, all our love, all our considerable unbelievable imaginable love to all of you.

The Final Word(s)
This morning I was given another piece of the puzzle as I did my “meditation” in contemplation of working on my painting. I saw and felt how I have been supporting energetically, through my thoughts and actions, the “structure” (and this seems to be an important word or concept, STRUCTURE) of my material life. I saw a vision and felt the weight of me supporting three houses, my debt to the IRS, the debt owed to me, and how I have been holding all these material things STUCK energetically by supporting this structure. So, I just let it all go. I put it down and sent it all out to the Universe as the flowing energy it should always have been. I saw each and every thing I have been “supporting”, each house, each debt, just lose all three dimensional borders and dissolve into the beautiful flowing energy each has deserved to be. And, brother, did that feel great and do I feel lighter!

I am told that in sharing this with you, those of you who are ready to step or move into your being (I don’t consciously understand what this means but, who cares) will understand and interpret this guidance and be, more easily, able to do the same.

Maybe you can let me know!?

From the total lack of structure within us to the total lack of structure within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Twenty Why We Need To Be Wounded Around Sex And Sexuality

2009-12-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

WHY WE, AS HUMAN BEINGS, HAVE SO MUCH
WOUNDING AROUNG SEX AND SEXUALITY

This seems to be the topic today and maybe one of the topics for our Age. Let me remind myself and you that my starting point in any study or observation is: what lesson does this issue present an opportunity about which to learn? As such, while today I want to explore our struggles with and wounding around sex and sexuality, my purpose is to understand how I or we might grow from this seeming place of pain. In my life I have engaged in a lot of sexual activity but as I have grown and come to understand myself, my path and my energetic connection to that which exists beyond my human body I have become less and less interested in sexual activity that does not include a real spiritual connection with my partner. Knowing this, I can also see that much of my previous activity was “vacant” (interesting word but it’s the one I was given).

We have certain gifts as humans which, I believe, are not the same in pure spirit and one of those is a body with magnificent senses. Our ability to feel, both emotionally and physically, pain, joy, pleasure, sadness, elation is, in the abstract, unlimited. I say it this way because I believe it is the very nature of our unlimited access to our feelings, both emotional and physical, that causes us to engage in blocking and dampening behaviors. As I type this I am sitting and experiencing just how unlimited our ability to feel is and the unbelievable gift this represents, were we not so afraid of it. Just for a moment I am going to remove any blocks or filters to complete access to all my senses that I might still be carrying, and I’m going to send that complete sense of free access to you from the center of my chest and my belly and through my fingers as I type, so you can experience it too.

So, we come to experience these highs and lows of pain and pleasure, somehow believing, as did Siddhartha, that only that which has brought us joy can bring us pain. But I don’t inherently believe this and as I ask I am being told that it does not have to be so. Our ability to feel is unlimited, it is beyond the human words we have attached to it like love or joy or pain or sadness. We have developed words to describe these feelings in order to make them understandable, lessen their intensity; make them less frightening and more subject to control. And in doing so we limit ourselves and the very reason for which we have chosen to have the human experience.

As I can almost see now, there is, however, something in the nature of the struggle, the duality, the polarity, the divisiveness, the yin and yang and the pain that is perceived as flowing from this duality, that we need to explore for our potential growth. Or at least we believe we do. (I have to say I’m pretty far out there today and I’m shaking my head and laughing because I assume there is a point to this that I will stumble upon eventually).

So what do we, as humans, want, other than, of course an unlimited credit card which never has to be repaid and a red Ferrari? I believe we want the experience of being loved and I say it that way very specifically because in my belief system we are the very essence of love, we have just forgotten or chosen to not believe it. I have to admit that I am now able to feel that love within myself whenever I choose to or get out of my way. That was not always the case for, like the issue of trust, I spent much of my life externalizing the concept of love. And there is something in this process of externalization that can help us learn our lessons. Our gift to you today is to start to understand or to enhance your understanding that we are complete; that we have immediate access to all parts of our beings; that our joy or happiness or feelings of being loved and, Leslie, even our wealth exists within each of us and cannot, repeat cannot, be “given” to us or created for us by another. Wow, I have to pause and take this in, breathe it in and I invite you to pause with it for a moment too.

All day I have been pondering what it is about the intensity of our sexual feelings and the exaltation that can flow from those feelings that holds within it so much opportunity for hurt and pain and to which we attach so many stories about betrayal, love and trust. I truthfully am not yet sure but I think that it is because the act of “making love” represents the closest many of us have come to experiencing our divinity and the ecstasy that flows from reconnecting with our spirit selves. I realize that I am being both literal and figurative as I posit this. It is impossible to make love and experience orgasm without giving up control and the rewards are so great that it appears to be the one place in most of our lives where we are willing and, in fact, eager, to do so. And maybe that’s the lesson for today; to experience the ecstasy of our divinity we have to be willing to be out of control. What a conundrum! To experience our highest selves, potential and ecstasy, we have to let go of control which, in my humble observation, many of us, including yours truly, are fairly hesitant to do. So, I think I answered my question. I now believe that it is the vulnerability to which we are willing to subject ourselves in the act of sex that sets us up to receive the greatest rewards but also holds the potential for the greatest pain. But, maybe this is only because we believe that in order to experience joy we must be willing to brave or accept the possibility of pain. Hmmmmmm?

I’m going to have to sit with this for a bit.

From the depths of the ability to feel within us to the depths of the ability to feel within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Nineteen Guilt And Why We Fight What We Know

2009-12-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

WHAT I NEED TO KNOW
AND WHY I’M FIGHTING IT!?

Or, what I want to know and why am I fighting it. Or, what I actually already know and why I’m pretending I don’t. Well, here we are again. This is one of those mornings when I’m fighting doing “this”, my work, the thing I keep running around telling everyone I’m here to do and that I want to do, more than anything else. I guess I have to fess up this morning and tell the truth and, instead, I want to run away and hide and, here come the tears. I get to this place where new information wants to surface from within me and be allowed to pass easily to me and I fight it and start to pretend that I don’t know anything and that everything I believe and espouse is all baloney and I can just feel that I’m wasting time hoping that if I waste enough time I won’t actually have to take this next step. It’s like when my son was little and would cry when he had to do homework, hoping that if he cried enough we would just let him drop out of school at age six so that he would never have to do homework.

Okay, enough. I guess you are really going to see and feel and probably hear me work through this today. So, I’m taking a few deep breaths and feeling where in my body I am really fighting whatever is attempting to come through to my consciousness. I’m also asking if this is mine (i.e., my issue to shift as opposed to working for someone else) and, unfortunately, it appears that it is. Okay then. I’m asking myself what it is that I do not want to feel and why I don’t want to feel it. I’m calling in my guides for help and as I do I distinctly hear one of them say “Finally”.

I wish you could be here with me. You would be laughing at how hard I am trying to avoid doing this today. I took a break to do laundry, bring in my hard core crystals and the sage and tried to book a session with someone who is ”truly” connected. Needless to say, my perfectly good credit card was not accepted on the website. This is because, big breath, I have all the guidance I need. I have all the knowledge I will ever need for my own growth or for that of another, already completely available to me.

So, I come to one of the real questions for today; what is in it for me to pretend that I don’t know? I repeat, for myself and for all of us; WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME TO PRETEND THAT I DON’T KNOW?

I have to sit with this for a while. I promise I will return. Okay, I’m back and this is going to sound bizarre, yes, I know, but more bizarre than usual. Today I am clearing for multidimensional Leslies; clearing multi-dimensionally for Leslie. Now, I have no idea what the heck this means and I’m going to ask for help, which I have just done. What I can tell you is that there is some gunk out there. So, I’m just going to sit with this a while longer, ask for some more guidance, and ask for some explanation that will be understood by my conscious brain and that I can pass along to you.

Well, I’m back. It has actually been a week. All of this bubbled up the day before I was leaving to visit my brother and sister-in-law for a week. I returned last night and it has been quite a week. I did a lot of clearing this past week, which is always an interesting experience when staying with relatives. It did, however, afford me the opportunity to be completely myself or, according to what I was told before I left, my selves, with loved ones who have not previously seen or experienced all of me.

There are several things I would like to share with you today but I believe the question for the day, or, for our time, remains: WHAT IS IN IT FOR US TO PRETEND WE DON’T KNOW? I understand that this could be interpreted as a judgment, but you will have to trust me that it is not. I am sincerely curious, both for myself and for others, as to why we choose to function as though we do not have access to all or at least a very large part of ourselves and our knowing.

I have two stories to share today. The first involves a conversation I had with my brother regarding my son and the amount of will is necessary or advisable to impose to help him get into the University of his Choice. My brother and I are both smart people with law degrees. I was always a self motivated student (read that I understood, nonverbally, the family value placed on HARD work and study and that good things flowed from receiving “A”s on my report cards). My brother is convinced that he would have been a wastrel had he not gone to live with our father as a teenager, thereafter studying with our dad every night until he understood for himself the value of hard work and motivation. I am trying to write this in a neutral manner because I truly don’t know if my brother’s life would have been different, better or worse, if this “intervention” had not occurred. Suffice it to say that he believes it.

Coming from this place of belief in parental intervention for the sake of “good” my brother also believes that I should impose certain strictures on or threaten to withdraw certain benefits from my son if he doesn’t get straight “A”s this year or prepare diligently for his SAT exams. This was an interesting conversation for me because it afforded me the opportunity to really examine my beliefs as they relate to someone over whom I might arguably be said to have “control” and about whose life I might arguably be said to have a “better perspective” than he (my son) does.

So, this is what I know about my son. I know in my heart that he is going to be a “successful” human being. I don’t know how I know this but I do. I think we need to talk about the meaning of “success”, which in this case I am defining as the ability to create the life one wants and some basic understanding of one’s ability to do so, consciously and with intention. There are some days when he fights me on this concept but, after all, he chose me as his mother. I also know that I do not know my son’s “big picture”. I don’t know what he came here to accomplish and, as such, I don’t know whether being accepted to some top US college is in furtherance of that plan or not. I do know that I could impose some draconian measures upon him and “make” him do things the way I want him to. I’m just not sure why I would do that and for whose best and highest good it would be.

I’m not advocating that we simply throw our children or their fates to the wind but I believe I am advocating CONSCIOUS decision making and intention setting. So, the conclusion to which I came is that I need to talk to my son about what he wants to create and if he has any sense of how to get there, and that feels right to me.

The second story I want to share involves me and letting go of guilt so that more of myself is available to me and available for others. I believe this guilt to be the thing I was fighting when I started writing this offering on the day before we left for our trip. In order to do this I am going to share some extremely personal information. I am going to do it in a way about which I feel comfortable and my hope is that you will too because it appears to be important to share.

When I was about six I was placed in a situation that resulted in my being sexualized, and I was. I am just pausing to breathe into this for a minute or two. As a result of this early experience I became an extremely precocious teenager and, throughout my life, when not married, a highly sexual being. Interesting way to put that, but that’s how I was guided to phrase it. Now, I have spent much of my life, in a variety of modalities, exploring and attempting to understand all the ramifications of my childhood experiences including very specifically, this one.

What we want to address and begin to shift today is GUILT. Yes, the dreaded “G” word. Just trust me that the importance of this story for me and for you is to recognize where we are carrying guilt in our lives or for our lives or for our actions in another’s life, and to further recognize how we have been creating from guilt. So, in my early life I felt guilty because my human body actually enjoyed and responded to the sexual activity. I did not want it to respond and I did not want to enjoy it but I was not in total control, my body had an intelligence or system of its own, beyond my will, my human mind-will, and it found some measure of pleasure and joy in the contact and interaction. As I type this I am very conscious of staying in my body and just allowing the energy to flow and circulate and I am sending this ability to feel far beyond the words I am typing to you too.

This past weekend with my husband, after several days of shedding now useless defenses and stories, I came fact to face with what was left of this guilt, allowed myself to feel all of it, and allowed myself to let it go. What followed was the truest experience either of us has shared. For me, sitting here today, I am starting to see how creating from GUILT has contributed to my conscious belief that I do not KNOW, that I cannot SEE, that my CONNECTION is INCOMPLETE.

I am just sitting here with the sun streaming in on me, feeling and seeing this gorgeous swirl of red energy moving around inside my trunk, thoroughly enjoying the sensation. I know there is more to come about this gift of knowing and why we shield ourselves from it but I think that’s it for today. Thank any of you reading this for taking this trip with me today. I am sending my appreciation straight from my heart, through my fingers and onto the page.

From the glimmer of knowing within me to the glimmer of knowing within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Eighteen Allowing and Letting Go

2009-11-17T12:28:00.000-08:00

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE US TO
LETTING GO

Because I have spent so much of this life worshipping in the temple of HARD and believing myself to be unworthy of anything better or easier I have been unable or unwilling to let go of control and just believe that I do not have to make things happen, to direct the events of my life, or to beat my life into submission. In this process and journey of awakening that I have undertaken I have come to understand, and as I sit here this morning, believe, that I do not have to fight and battle my way through my life. I do not have to push and pull and shape and fear my life or for my life. I do not have to be in some constant state of war with myself or my human life. I do not even have to be in some constant state of truce with myself or my life. I can be at one and I can be at peace within and with-out myself and my life. I can be at peace even when others in my realm are struggling, at war and unhappy. I can even be at peace when others in my realm are attempting to struggle, be at war and unhappy with me. I am, finally, my own creation and I see that I have choice.

Truthfully, I have no idea what the hell some of this means, but I’m very clear that it is correct and, beyond conscious thought, it sure feels great. I’m being given an amazing opportunity this week to step forth more fully and firmly into the reasons I have come to this life and I am so grateful and so humbled by this opportunity that I have tears in my eyes as I write this. And if I stay with the knowing, then I know I am ready and there is a piece (peace) of me that knows it is about to by truly fulfilled and it is ecstatic, humbled, overwhelmed and ecstatic and very very grateful.

I have decided to LET GO and to ALLOW. Let me say that again as I and we breathe into it. LET GO and ALLOW, LET GO and ALLOW, LET GO, ALLOW, LET GO, ALLOW, LET GO, ALLOW, LETGOALLOW. Just be for a moment. Just quietly be with and within yourself, your beautiful perfect self and just let go and allow all that is, to be here with you, and just allow yourself to feel it all here with you in this perfect moment.

The sun, which has not shown itself for days, is shining in my face through the window and it is shining out of my chest. Let go and allow, ask and just be willing to believe. We are and have available to us everything we need, everything we desire. Our gift and our offering to you today is the ability, yes the ability, to let go (we do not need to tell you of what) and to allow.

From that infinite place of knowing within us, to that infinite place of knowing within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Seventeen The Nature of Our Creations

2009-11-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

THE NATURE OF OUR CREATIONS

I did, in fact, cover my painting with band-aids the other day. I used them to write “Not Creating From Pain” and where I couldn’t use band-aids I used glittery colored glue because it made me feel happy to do it that way. And I have been sitting with that painting and those words for a few days now, waiting to feel the real fundamental shift that will be my signal to cover it with a layer of love for myself and for all of us that is so thick and tangible and living and elastic and just so supreme that it will change the world. Wow, I did not know that was in there. I’m just going to pause for a few minutes to really feel what I just said and maybe you can too. I can just see the color of this love and I’m just bathing in it right now. And I’m very glad I followed my guidance today because I knew I needed to write, but I did not know about what until I just sat down and wrote this.

This love within me that I have been waiting to feel is so enormous, I now understand why it has taken several days after vowing to not create from pain and vowing to create only from love to feel ready to add it to my “painting”. I just feel so full right now, like someone blew up a balloon inside of me filled with this delicious fluid love and I feel so very grateful. THIS is the place from which I am going to create. I want to take another minute and share this incredible gift of spirit mingled with my humanity with all of you and I am breathing it out through my belly and into my fingers as I type this.

Our gift and our offering to you today is to help and to allow (I’m not sure why I’m fighting typing that word, “allow”) you to see the connections between the places from which you are creating and your creations. Okay, so after reading this through the second time, I get the message to me to just ALLOW!.

A Story:

I’m going to share a story from our files, without sharing names, because it is instructive. Two people I know, long divorced, have a teenaged son who this year decided he wanted to attend the local private school rather than the local public school, over the strongly voiced opposition of one of the parents. The objecting parent has not been asked to contribute to the cost of the school but has strongly held objections nonetheless. The school represents a major commitment of time from the student and more driving for each of the parents, at least for a few more months.

I had occasion to speak to the objecting parent recently when that parent had reached a breaking point in frustration over the current status of the relationship with the teenager. The parent said to me “I knew it wouldn’t work and it isn’t working”. I invited to parent to pause and listen to what had just been articulated. “I knew it wouldn’t work”; an incredibly potent belief. I realize that this is an obvious example of how our beliefs can create our reality, or our perceptions of reality, but I believe it is instructive for exactly that reason.

End of Story:

Today, We invite you to take an honest, repeat, HONEST, look at what is and is not working in your life and then take an HONEST look at the beliefs underlying those issues and we will bet money that the current state of each issue reflects your current belief about that issue; it can’t work, it’s going to be difficult; it is going to take a while or, conversely, it’s going to be easy, the results are going to be great, it can happen immediately, the outcome is going to surpass my wildest dreams.

So there! I, no we, challenge you to take one issue; just one, of your choosing, and to really challenge and monitor your thoughts and beliefs around it. Take that one issue and just be willing to believe that the outcome will be better than you can possibly currently imagine, watch your thoughts around that issue and gently remind them to stay positive if you encounter them as negative and see if the reality of the issue shifts from reflecting your negative belief to your new positive belief. And as I sit here I am breathing hope and faith into this offering for each of you and that vast blue sea of love I met inside me today.

From the belief in my ability to create within and with-out me, to the belief in the ability to create within and with-out you…

To be continued…

Chapter Sixteen Creating From Pain

2009-11-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

CREATING FROM PAIN
OR
WHY THE BABY LOOKS EXACTLY THE WAY WE FEEL

Good morning. I just know that this is going to be a great day. I feel it all the way down to my core and I have to admit that I’m excited about the possibilities, the endless mystery that this dawning day presents. Today’s offering is really a work in progress as it represents the first time I am moved to write well before, repeat, well before I have a thorough understanding of the issue and well before, but maybe not well before, I have worked it through and incorporated the learning into my being. So, here we go…

I had an awesome day yesterday. I started out dropping my beautiful and wonderful son at school and then met my friend Kristie for coffee, which is always a joy and a treat. In the afternoon I visited with my amazing friends Sandy and Helen and we talked from that place deep within us that each of us has been reclaiming and tending and nurturing and helping to grow. And the connection was so simple and so easy and, at the same time, so deep and we just shared bits of ourselves from the mutual joy of sharing and passing on information with love and respect and with gratitude and with humility.

Later that afternoon I returned home to my husband; to the person with whom I have chosen to learn either the hardest lessons or lessons the hardest way and I started learning yet again.

Segue:
Today my lesson is not the same as the awareness being offered to you. Actually, I’m being told it’s reader’s choice. You may pick one from Column A or one from Column B, or, if you are truly ambitious today, you may choose both. Cool!
End of Segue:

I believe that I have spoken of Balance and how a truly beautiful South African Shaman named Muvo helped me to understand that we are always looking for the balance in our lives; balance between the light and the dark, the male and the female within each of us and the balance between our spirit hood and our humanity. Today, Column A represents the ability to more easily perceive when you are in or out of balance and to be much more easily able to bring yourself back into balance.

My journey today is to the place where I have been creating from Pain. At 2:00 this morning I had yet another duh! /aha! moment. As I was sitting in bed talking to, or more accurately, wrestling emotionally with my husband, I asked myself, rhetorically, why my relationships with the significant men in my life had to be so filled with pain and I realized (DUH!) it was because I have been creating from pain. I know that does not sound particularly profound or apocalyptic but you’ll just have to trust me that it hit me like the proverbial bricks. Whack, right in the face; I could have had a V-8. Like hello, you have been creating from pain, how the hell do you expect those creations to be? And I decided then and there, I AM NO LONGER CREATING FROM PAIN. Chorus: I AM NOT EVER, REPEAT, NEVER, NOT EVER CREATING FROM PAIN AGAIN. NEVER, NO WAY, NO HOW, NOT GOING TO DO IT. And I was, honestly, grateful to have this piece; to know that notwithstanding all the work I have done and the clearing I have felt and know to be true, there remains, or at least remained at 2:00 a.m. pacific time a piece of Leslie DNA still carrying the genes for creating pain.

So, our gift to any of you who have taken this ride with me today is the ability to see if and where you are carrying any seeds for growing pain in your life, any DNA or RNA carrying genes for pain creation in your life or any need to create pain or from pain. And if you are, our further gift if, and only if, you are ready to change, or when you are ready to change, is the transformation of those pain creation genes to unconditional love creation genes. I can feel this spreading through my chest as I type and I am sending it out to you through my fingers.

Now what happened to my painting yesterday makes sense. As I was digging around in it I tore the canvas and I see why I put a band-aid over the open wound and decided to leave it there. I believe I was paying homage to the pain I have created, over and over and over again, preparing to let it go. So, now I think I’m going to put band-aids all over it and then bless it and cover it with as much love as I have available to me right now; and that’s a lot.

I want to express a special thank you to my truly brave husband for taking this journey with me. I can tell you, I’m not easy. But I am pretty cute and I am going to get there and if he’s willing to stick with me, we’ll get there together. At least as of today, I’m going to enjoy the ride a whole lot more without the pain.

From that special place of unconditional love within us to that special place that needs unconditional love within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Fifteen Why Are We Here?

2009-11-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

WHY ARE WE HERE
AND
WHO ARE WE HERE FOR?
(PARDON THE DANGLING PARTICIPLE)

Years ago, before I consciously started on any leg of my journey (although as I think about it now, maybe what I’m about to relate was the start this most recent part of my journey) a wise psychologist asked me if I knew my Purpose. He believed, as I have come to believe, that we all have a purpose and that by knowing and being in touch with that purpose we can achieve a more intimate and fundamental connection with ourselves.

A Digression:

It occurred to me as I was driving my son to school that I should check back in following yesterday’s offering. When I awoke this morning my body felt very clear and relaxed. I was not holding anything anywhere in my body and there is no fear. As I have thought about various things that could induce a fear response I have noticed a tightening inside my body, mainly in my sacral and root chakras. I have simply noticed the tightening and lovingly released it so that once again my body feels free, light and clear. This lightness and freedom is a wonderful feeling and I wish I could do justice to a description. Instead, I’ll just send it to you through my root chakra and out my fingers as I type this so please just pause a moment to feel this gift.

I have been living in a human body that experiences fear for a long time so as I help my body release the memory of fear and the physical sensation of fear and the automatic response to the things that have previously induced fear, I will stay conscious and present so that I participate in the unlearning process until the new default is to live in a body free of fear.

End of Digression:

Our offering and our gift today is assistance in knowing Your Purpose in this lifetime and by the time you are finished reading today you will have at least some, and possibly a great deal of, understanding about your purpose.

I don’t know why exactly but I have always had the ability to see people fully realized in their potential. Said another way, I have always had the ability to see people’s potential, to see what they are capable of. And I think, because of that, and because of my basically pushy nature, I have always encouraged the people in my life to reach for their potential. Since we’re sharing, I will admit that often this “encouragement” has been perceived as a boot up the backside or a push off a cliff, notwithstanding how well meaning my intentions.

Be that as it may, when asked by my psychologist about my Purpose, I defined it as “encouraging people to develop their full potential with love and humor” and I think, at the time, that was relatively correct.

The clue to our Purpose is the thing we do naturally, the thing we love to do, the thing that brings us joy or fulfillment, the thing that brings us closer to ourselves and to others. My heart was in the right place as I was blindly running around pushing people or kicking them in the behind. What I lacked was the further understanding that it was inappropriate to offer help indiscriminately or to push my perception of people’s potential down their throats regardless of whether they were ready experience to or even interested in experiencing their potential. As such, my lesson has been twofold; to develop my own potential and to wait to be asked to help anyone else to develop theirs.

So, look at what comes naturally to you. Look at what you enjoy. Look at what brings you enthusiasm. Look at what you would be doing if you weren’t worried about how to pay the bills. Look at where you would be spending your time, and with whom, if you knew all your “worldly” needs were met and I’ll bet that is where you will find your purpose.

Your homework for today is to introduce yourself to your purpose if you don’t already know each other and have some fun hanging out together.

From the joy of knowing within us, to the joy of knowing within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Fourteen The Dreaded "F" Word

2009-11-09T13:18:00.000-08:00

THE DREADED “F” WORD!

Got ya! It’s FEAR. At least it is for me (and I’m being told that it is for everyone). So, after I added the Layer of Trust to my painting I took time (or tried to take time) to allow my body to catch up yesterday. By allowing myself to go deeper and farther than I have previously I came upon, or more accurately, tripped over and fell headlong into a vestigial pocket (okay, fairly deep well) of FEAR. Today our offering and gift to each of you is to allow you to watch me and feel me move through this fear to the knowing that is on the other side and in so watching and feeling, we will shift your fear too. Wow! Let’s hope this works.

Just to let you know, I’m bringing out the big guns for this one. I brought the candle, the incense, my two “special” crystals and the symphony for the Nine Dimensions into the office to keep me company as I type.

I experienced the FEAR yesterday as a cognitive process. I spent time fearing for my financial welfare and that of my son and during a rip-roaring wind storm last night, as fear for my safety which I realize, as I type this, is all one and the same. Today I am experiencing the fear as more of a physical sensation. I feel it as an itch located somewhere just beyond a place that can be reached and so, cannot be scratched or alleviated, and believe me, it is incredibly annoying. So, I’m just going to sit here and feel that for a minute.

Not to be unduly gross or crude, but I feel this intensely in my Root Chakra. It actually feels the way I used to feel during my undergraduate years at the University of Wisconsin in April when the sun would shine and the air was warm for the first time after a long winter. I called it Spring Fever and I was so horney I could have jumped a tree, a big tree. I clearly have some big fear energy that is stuck and is keeping me stuck and I’m talking to it, saying “No” to fear and “Yes” to life; “No” to fear and “Yes” to creation.

Looking deeply inside at this fear, I can see that I have used it to keep myself from going forward as fully and connectedly as I might have. I have used it as an anchor to keep myself from making “more mistakes”. I can see that I have allowed other peoples’ definitions of “mistakes” to keep me from my root, my knowing, and my creation. And this is shifting for all of us as I sit and feel and type. No wonder I’m exhausted, I have been keeping this wonderful beautiful wellspring of energy dammed up to enshrine some fear of moving forward.

As I claim or reclaim all of myself, right this moment, I want to suck the entire Universe up inside my Vagina and experience it from within and without that sacred place. Like a baby who puts everything inside its mouth so as to fully savor and experience it, so I will experience the three dimensional world and beyond through its relationship with my Root, my place of creation and while this probably sounds crazy or pornographic, you will just have to trust me that it is not, for it is not as limited as the experience of sexuality that many of us have chosen to have until now.

I’m not even entirely sure what I have just written but, apparently, it is “correct” and the fear has shifted.

From the unlimited ability to create within me, to the unlimited ability to create within you…

To be continued…

Chapter Thirteen A Layer Of Trust

2009-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

A LAYER OF TRUST
AND
THE DAWN OF A NEW DAY OF UNDERSTANDING

Hello again. For some time now I have used painting as a vehicle to work through my issues or to gain new awareness. I started painting a few days ago and the ostensible issue was me as a magnet for abundance. The picture, both literal and figurative has changed a few times as more “stuff” has been peeled back and incinerated and I know it will continue to change until I am finished with this round of insight. This morning, however, we have arrived at Trust. Notice I said “We” for although it is my painting, our gift today is awareness around and the feeling of Trust.

I’m sure I must be a slow learner because until this very morning I have always externalized the issue of trust. I have always thought of it as something I bestowed upon others or that I felt about others because they “earned” it. And I believe that externalization has served to keep me separate from others, disconnected from myself and inclined or wanting to control people and situations. I can see that my belief system has allowed me to make some progress in the area of control and that my burgeoning self love has allowed me to make some progress in reconnecting with myself and others but I have continued to externalize or objectify trust.

Today I was shown and I actually see that TRUST has absolutely nothing, repeat, NOTHING, to do with anyone or anything other than ME. Let’s hear it chorus: TRUST IS ALL ABOUT ME (and, really, I should have known this because, fundamentally, it is all about me for me, and all about you for you, etc., etc., etc.) So, you’re scratching your head and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. I saw this morning that the only, repeat, only, trust issue that exists is me in relation to the life I am creating for myself. And I’m going to breathe this into the offering right now because I really want you to feel this too, even if only for a moment.

The only issue or question of trust that exists is whether we can trust that we are creating from the highest possible place for our highest potential and good. That’s it. Nothing else exists. If we know, or even if we are just willing to believe, that we are creating for our highest good then we know that anything that happens in our lives, any circumstances, any people in our lives and how they may or may not act in relation to us, anything at all, is for our highest good, presenting an opportunity to get us there if we are only willing to see it for what it is.

Now, I am not saying that we are all creating for our highest potential. As I ask, I am being told that is not the case. However, I am, because that is the intention I set when I started on this leg of my journey. I continually revisit it and reaffirm that my intention is only to create from and for my highest good and my highest potential. Hence, my only issue around trust is whether I am willing, when the picture of my life could be interpreted another way, to trust in the integrity of my creation.

So, as of this morning, my latest painting has added to it A LAYER OF TRUST which I felt as a sensation of incredible grounding, almost like an anchor, in my root chakra, right at the base of my tail-bone and an incredible quiet inside my body. We are sending this sense of internal calm to you as I type and we wish you love and trust and the joy of your creation.

From the trust within us to the trust within you.

To be continued…

Chapter Twelve Be Careful What You Wish For

2009-11-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

NOTE TO ME: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO GET IT
OR
ASKING FOR HELP, YUCK!

Hello again. I have been off gaining insights which I have frequently thought about sharing with you. Most of them have been radiant and uplifting. Interestingly, I am finally moved to write today when I am peering deeply into my Soul from a place that does not feel pretty. We have a gift bestowed upon us hearty folk today and that is the gift of Truth. When you finish today’s offering you will be able to see and feel the truth of your heart’s desires and the truth of the obstacles you are placing in the way of achieving those desires.

When I last wrote, I told you that my heart’s desire in this lifetime is to receive and give Love; as much as I can handle. No, more than I can handle which, I just this moment realized, is why I have been offered the opportunity since I last wrote to make more space within myself to receive and give love. I’m here to tell you that I am one sore puppy. Knowing as I do that these lessons do not have to be painful, let me confess that I have made this one excruciating.

For the last several days I have chosen to feel unloved, unsupported by both my husband and my guides, hopeless and helpless. I have chosen to believe that no one, either in or out of a body, truly has my back and that if my circumstances change, it can only possibly be for the worst. The cool thing is, and the thing I am proud of, is that I have chosen (to quote yet again from my friend Ellen) to “sit in it”. As such, for the last two days I have allowed myself to go to the place where I feel utterly hopeless and helpless and today I finally just gave in, gave up and asked for help. Gave in, gave up and asked for help. Say it again a little louder; GAVE IN, GAVE UP AND ASKED FOR HELP. Admitted I can’t do it alone and asked for help. Admitted that I actually need another human being or currently non-human being, and just asked for help. And, in asking, I was willing, am willing, to believe, that help will be given; that help and love are there for me. And, if they are there for me, they are there for each of us. We just have to be willing to look at the Truth of what we want and have the courage to ask for it.

I recognize that today it feels courageous to ask because today the belief is an act of faith. It is not an act of knowing or current reality. Today, the asking from this significantly deeper place is an act of faith. So, I feel it in there, way down in the pit of my belly, a little candle of faith that the love I want and the help I need are there for me, on an express train to my door.

I realize that I am not just doing this for myself today so if you have followed me down here you are very brave and I know you can see, although the light might currently be dim, the Truth of what you desire and the faith to believe that you will or already do have it.

From the faith within us to the faith within you.

To be continued…

Chapter Eleven Why We Fight What We Know/Why We Choose Disbelief

2009-10-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

Why We Fight What We know
Why We Choose Disbelief

Hello again. I had an absolutely awesome birthday. Not only was I granted my most fervent wish but, more importantly, I was given the ability to actually be available to receive it. I repeat, I was given the ability to perceive and receive it. As my and our birthday gift to each of you, by the time you finish reading this offering today you will experience the ability to perceive that you are receiving your most fervent wish for this lifetime. How long you continue in that place of knowing after leaving your computer screen will be entirely up to you. So, let’s go.

I have a story to share about my birthday. My Mother and I have a tradition of calling the people we love on their birthdays and singing “Happy Birthday” to them. Now, given the quality of our voices at this point in each of our lives, that might not, in fact, be such a great gift, but our hearts are in the right places and hopefully the frequency of love is conveyed through the sounds of croaking.

My Mom and I have come to a crossroad and it appears that for at least some period of time we are each choosing to take a different road. As a result of this divergence my Mom told me the week before my birthday that she would not be calling me to sing to me on my birthday. I have to admit that when my birthday dawned and I realized that for the first time ever the first telephone call would not be from my Mom, singing, I felt sad. So, when the first call of the day came and I answered it what I heard was a friend singing “Happy Birthday”. This friend had never called to sing before nor did he know the family history of singing. My second call that morning was from another friend who, as soon as I answered the telephone, started singing “Happy Birthday” and this friend had also never sung to me before and did not know the family history of singing.

My unspoken prayers had been answered and I felt so grateful, so happy and so incredibly loved. You see, not only had I realized the week before my birthday that what I wanted more than anything this time around was Love, I had also decided that for the first time in this life, I was going to be 100%, totally and completely open to all the love I was going to receive; that I was going to be more than happy to receive at least as much as I was willing to give.

I have defended my heart for much of my life and a consequence of that choice has been that I am more comfortable giving than receiving. That choice has given me some illusion of control; some belief that I will not be crushed if someone I love decides to not love me back. My birthday gift to myself this year has been the choice to not play that game with myself anymore. My new choice is to get all the love I can from all the people in my life who have been trying to give it to me and I’m here to tell you that it feels, to quote my stepson, flippin’ great!

Now, sit back, breathe deeply and dare to tell me or yourself that you don’t feel wonderful and centered right about now. If you are willing, look deeply into your heart, say hello to the thing you want the most in this lifetime, and see that you already have it, that it is sitting there, right next to the desire itself. Enjoy!

To be continued…

Chapter Ten An Interlude, Happy Birthday To Me!

2009-10-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

AN INTERLUDE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

October 22, 2009, will be my 57th birthday. In some ways I feel as though I have just arrived and in some ways I feel as though I have been here forever. I always find that birthdays are a natural time for reflection, to measure growth (or lack thereof), in an earlier time to set new goals but as I regard things now, a time to revisit my intentions to see if they need tweaking. People, both in and out of bodies, have been trying to get my attention all day and I have been somewhat nonresponsive. Interestingly, and entirely truthfully, I have been avoiding the out of bodies because I am feeling overwhelmed by all the love and support they have been attempting to shower upon me. Let me say that again, I am feeling overwhelmed by all the love. I am feeling utterly and completely overwhelmed by all the love coming to me and from me. In fact, I am a puddle right now.

To celebrate the day of my birth in this lifetime, which I know to be a special one, we, you and I, we, are being given a very special gift; the gift of recognition of our hearts’ desires. To those of you who already know what I mean, you will know what a great and meaningful gift this is. To those of you who do not yet know what I mean, you will by the time you finish reading this offering. We are receiving the gift of being able to look deeply, as deeply as is necessary, into our hearts to find the light that is shining the most brightly, the hope we have nurtured the most fervently or sheltered the most lovingly. We are being granted the ability in one fell swoop to cut through all the crap, all the stories we have created about ourselves and our lives, all the illusions, all the hopes, fears and expectations of others we have been carrying around, to see what we truly desire to create and experience in this life.

What I want more fervently than anything else is Love, as purely and simply as it is possible to experience it, from every conceivable source, both internal and external. Concomitant to that, what I want to pass along, help others experience, have as my legacy in this life, is Love, nothing more and nothing less.

So, allow yourself to take a moment or an hour, it doesn’t matter, get out of your head, get into your heart, and be willing to see what is there, because it is there and it is available to you in honor of my birthday, and your birthday, and all of our birthdays, and as our birthrights this time around.

So, Happy Birthday to all of us. Happy Life. From the light within us to the light within you, and so it goes. To be continued…

Chapter Nine The Thing About Choice, Revisited

2009-10-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

THE THING ABOUT CHOICE, REVISITED

Today we are going to try another experiment, so if you are willing, read on. Today while writing I am sending through my heart and out my fingers as I type total gratitude for my life, your life and all the people we each know, even those we might not ordinarily associate with the feeling of gratitude. By the time you are finished reading today you will feel this gratitude as a warmth emanating from your chest (no folks, it’s not a hot flash or a heart attack) and you will experience gratitude for the relationships you have created in your life.

Today I want to revisit choice and discuss the power of intention. We have seen how our factory installed, at least for this lifetime, default is unworthiness and how that filter leads to “hard”. I am a firm believer in the benefits of psychotherapy, having spent many years in it examining myself and my life. I do not believe, however, that it is necessary to spend years shifting our stuff. I actually believe that it can be as immediate as you believe it will be. Let me say that again; I believe that the time it takes to shift our “stuff”, even our fundamental and heavy duty “stuff” is determined directly by how long we believe it will take to shift it. Let me say that yet another way: I believe that long-lasting fundamental shift can occur immediately. The only caveat is that we are living in human bodies and some times it takes our bodies a bit of time to adjust to the changes.

So there, I’ve finally said it. “Hard” is not inevitable or unalterable. It is merely a choice. “Hard” can be transformed by consciously setting another intention, like “Easy” or “Happy” or “Joyful” or “Grateful” or “Immediate” or “Pleasurable” and being willing to believe that it will occur. Say it again, a little louder; and being willing to believe it will occur. Just be willing to believe it will occur. Suspend judgment and be willing to believe it will occur.

That’s it for today, and it wasn’t remotely hard. So notice how much love you have in your heart right now. Mine is radiating warmth and I notice that I am smiling. I am very grateful to have this information to pass along and to any of you who are willing to believe.

To be continued…

Chapter Eight The Peace (Piece) Within

2009-10-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

THE PEACE (PIECE) WITHIN
AN EXPERIMENT

Hello again. Today we are going to engage in an experiment, so if you are willing to play, keep reading. I am investing today’s offering with healing energy which has come directly from the Universal or God Consciousness (feel free to characterize it any way that is comfortable or understandable to you) through my heart and out of my heart and my fingers as I type this. Any of you reading this will feel better, happier, more connected, less anxious or fearful, more grounded and more energized by the time you are finished reading. This is our gift and our lesson to you today. Our gift because you will feel better when you are finished reading than you did when you started and our lesson because you will experience, firsthand, how immediate the shift can be.

So, with this intention, to help you experience an immediate shift, I could be typing Mary Had a Little Lamb and you would still feel it. I do, however, have a more interesting topic (at least to me) in mind for today.

I am currently in training to become a Hospice volunteer. It is such an amazing organization and I am very honored and excited to be a part of it and very glad that I am no longer so afraid of death that that I am unable to be a part of it.

I have not yet been with anyone as they passed but I have spent time with two people very close to death. Also, during our training last week we were privileged to view a film that followed five people in various stages of palliative care to their deaths. What I have observed is that people very close to death appear to experience a fundamental sense of calm whereby the drama or potential drama of humanness is released in preparation for what I believe is a return to spirit.

I took this perception and decided to extrapolate to the time directly prior to my death with the intention of looking back at my life and asking myself what had been truly important to me in this lifetime. Now, my friend has not yet repaid me and the taxes to which I referred earlier remain unpaid so I thought that having a ton of money would be really important. Surprisingly, it was not. What was truly important to me was, first, the quality of the relationships I had had, followed by the sense that I had accomplished my life’s purposes. Having a comfortable existence was a factor but, possibly because I have always had one, or possibly, because I would not expect to live any other way, wealth was not tremendously important, especially when compared with loving relationships, good friends and feeling that I had done what I came to do.

The experiment gave me some surprising answers and a different perspective on my life, what I am creating and from where I am creating and I intend to use it with some of my clients. You might want to try it yourself.

So, take a moment and notice that you are now in your heart. Feel the warmth and energy emanating from your heart-space and have a wonderful evening.

To be continued…

Chapter Seven The Paradox

2009-09-27T17:20:00.001-07:00

LIFE IS HARD AND THEN WE BASICALLY DIE
BUT, WE REALLY DON’T WANT TO

I apologize to any out there who are hanging on my next word for taking such a long break. My Mother was visiting for a week and then I took some time to work on myself and during that time I was given another insight. I would assume that we can agree that many currently on Earth revere hard work, feel sympathy for those who have led a hard life, think they have to earn the good things that happen to or for them and believe that it is noble to suffer at the hand of or for the sake of another. Many and maybe all of us have suffered some hardship in our life, many have been wounded emotionally or physically, some of us repeatedly so. I don’t know the statistics but my guess would be that a hefty percentage of us feel or at some time have felt that life is hard, possibly exceedingly so. Nonetheless, the remarkable and truly ironic thing is that almost none of us want to actually die.

We get terrible eviscerating diseases for which we subject ourselves to terrible eviscerating “cures”, fighting death all the way. Many of us get old and ill and infirm but still want to live as long as possible. So, herein lies the paradox; if our lives are so hard (and I’m not arguing that we have not made them so or believe them to be so) why are we so hell-bent on living? If we truly believe that all our suffering will be rewarded in our after-life, why are we so loath to go there? Logic would seem to dictate that as hard as many of us seem to have it, we would be leaving the planet in droves.

As an answer, I’m going to posit something truly heretical. I believe, and I offer for your consideration on this beautiful September afternoon, that the part of us that is here in spirit, call it our soul, our higher self, the God within, knows that there is something more out there for each of us. It knows that the struggling is an illusion, albeit an engaging and convincing one. It knows that we are worthy of more than just unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It knows that any time we want to stop struggling, WE CAN MAKE ANOTHER CHOICE.

So dear reader, my choice is to go enjoy this beautiful afternoon and to wish each and every one of you living (or not) at this moment all the love in my heart, which is ample, and I hope you feel it.

To be continued……..

Who Said It Has To Be Hard?

2009-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Chapter Six

THE NATURE OF MARTYRDOM

What is it about being a martyr that we love so much that we, in fact, celebrate it, revere it, pay homage to it in songs and films and, reward it with a free pass into our religion’s version of heaven? Martyrdom is just another, although possibly the ultimate, version of “hard”. Seriously though, why do we revere martyrdom; suffering, often in silence, at the hands of another or for the ostensible sake of another? What is noble in this? I am willing to concede the possibility that historically there may have been some truly noble, meaningful and productive self-sacrifices; some instances in which martyrdom resulted in saving humanity or truly advancing society. I certainly know that Jesus was presented that way and I’m not here to argue against that assertion.

I do know, however, that in our daily lives we all too often resort to martyrdom as a form of manipulation, as a way to avoid copping to hanging out in “hard”. Instead of admitting that we just want to feel sorry for ourselves or aggrieved for a while, we wrap ourselves in self-righteousness and thereby get to have it hard and noble all at the same time.

As long as we’re sharing, I will admit that I am still not totally immune to playing the martyr card and, really, I know better. In my life, I still occasionally choose to go to martyrdom in relation to my son or my husband. At least in my life, martyrdom cannot exist without its cohort in crime, judgment. My typical scenario goes something like this; I have cooked, cleaned, schlepped or purchased something for you without my version of reciprocity or, generally been more available or less moody than you or, just simply a better person to you than you have been to me. My payment for having suffered these crimes is to feel crappy about you, superior to you, wounded, misunderstood and generally self righteous.

Ninety-nine times out of one hundred, neither my husband nor my son have actually done anything much less done anything with malice aforethought so the question is, why would I choose to create a world where I hang out in martyrdom? I’ll go farther, even if I were actually being mistreated, why would I choose to allow it to occur with the only result or consequence being that I got to feel really bad about it or about one of them?

Laziness, vestigial feelings of unworthiness or I’m modeling some behavior I want one of them to look at. Those would be my reasons. If it’s an interesting question then, dear reader, I invite you to look at yours.
To be continued...

Who Said It Has To Be Hard

2009-09-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER FIVE

WHY WE RESIST

I believe most people, regardless of ethnicity, geography or social status would say they want to like themselves, love themselves, treat themselves with kindness, feel better about themselves, not feel that they have to work so hard, wish that they could relax more about themselves or their circumstances; and I believe they think they mean it. Why then do so many people feel disaffected, anxious, sad, restless, overwhelmed, under appreciated, angry, resentful and, in some cases, just plain hopeless? I believe it is because there is a war being waged between their conscious desires and their unconscious programming and the unconscious is winning. The interesting and ironic thing is, I also believe, with all my heart and soul, that our lives do not have to be hard but before we can live and experience them as “easy” we have to be willing to look at and, in most cases, feel what is truly driving us to “hard”; the issues surrounding our perceived unworthiness to have it be any different.

EPIPHANY BREAK

I had an epiphany today. It was not my first and I really hope it won’t be my last but it was one of those “duh!” and “aha!” moments all rolled into one.

HALELUJA!

Okay, so I’m a slow learner. Almost 57 (I know, don’t I look great), been working on this and my stuff for years (being a firm believer in hard) and today, this very morning, September 6, 2009, the light went on! I finally recognized my true purpose, which I had heretofore thought was to help people realize their potential, to help them get to where they want to go. It is, however, to help people recognize, deal with and transform their issues surrounding self worth and I am to do that by modeling my journey (which could be a real snooze but is actually pretty entertaining given that how hard I have made it and how incredibly resistant I have been for most of my life to feeling great about myself).

END OF EPIPHANY BREAK

The Universe does work in wonders, if only I were better at paying attention. So, needless to say, this epiphany segues neatly into my third major premise (which I have actually lifted from my good friend and mentor, Ellen Addison); “It’s all about me”. And, in truth, it is all about each of us. Our experiences are our experiences, filtered through our filters, shaped by our histories, our needs, desires and, if we are attempting to live consciously, by our intentions, regardless of how fervently we attempt to blame others for our feelings or realities.

So, in answer to the questions I posed earlier; are we hooped? Is life hard and then do we basically die? The good news, no, in fact, the great, empowering, fabulous, wonderful and all about you news is; it’s your choice, no more and no less.

The Thing About Choice

2009-09-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

Chapter Four

THE THING ABOUT CHOICE AND WHAT WE KNOW

I am told we believe we have choice in many aspects of our lives; where we live, what jobs or careers we pursue, our partners, our friends, what to eat for dinner, and for breakfast and lunch for that matter. So, why would we believe that we do not have choice regarding the outcome of things which appear to be uncertain? What a great question and, coincidentally, I believe the answer relates back to my major premise which is, you will recall: Everyone on Earth at this time is here to deal with issues surrounding self worth.

Let’s take as a working hypothesis that we have a filtration system and that everything emanating from us or attempting to make its way to us is passing through that system. Our factory installed default filter is unworthiness (until such time as we choose to challenge and deal with it). As such, when presented with a situation the outcome of which is uncertain, any assumptions we make about the outcome pass through the unworthiness filter and must, pretty much by necessity, result in the conclusion that the outcome will be bad because we, at core are “bad”. The outcome must be “hard” because unworthy people are not entitled to “easy” or “good”.

So, are we basically hooped? Is life hard and then we basically die? Stay tuned dear reader.

2009-09-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

Chapter Three

Say It Again, Much Louder

Just like I did today. I repeat, just like I did today. Say it again, much louder; just like I did today. It has been horrifyingly fascinating to write this book as I am watching my thoughts and behavior more carefully than I usually do and today I watched myself go to “hard” about 17 times.

Time To Share:

I have created a situation wherein I loaned a good friend, unsecured, a veritable shitload of money which I took out of an IRA left to me by my father as an inheritance. The friend was supposed to repay me several months ago but has been unable to do so. I now have to pay the IRS (the entity I fear above all others) 40% of a shitload of money within six weeks and, here’s the capper, I don’t have it. I do, however, have a lovely home that I just built and mortgaged that is worth a lot of money. I thought I would take a second mortgage on the house but was told by the first mortgagor today that their mortgage would not permit a second to go behind it and that my husband and I would not qualify with their company for additional financing because they could not finance on equity, only on income and ours is currently at its limit.

Now, I tell you this, and I know it’s way more information than you probably ever wanted, because it is instructive. In truth and in my heart, I know that this was a situation created for the purposes of learning and that it will all work out just fine. I absolutely know it even though I don’t have a clue as to how. Nonetheless, I chose to worry about it on and off all day, made plans to “fix” it, had a meltdown that included tears and semi-major self pity and railed at the Universe for not helping me faster.

But here’s the deal, all of this drama was a choice. In truth, I don’t know how this is going to turn out. It could be great and it could, possibly, be a disaster, but in the meantime I have choice as to how I am going to live. Am I going to be a basket case and worry and drive myself crazy, in short, live in “hard” until I know the outcome, or am I going to have faith in my guidance and intentions and be willing to look at any vestigial fear I am still carrying that I am not worthy of having the best possible outcome?

So, dear reader, I officially refuse to have it be hard, make it hard or believe that it has to be hard. I choose to believe that because the loan was from the heart and without fear I will be compensated somehow so that I can move ahead and do more of the things I want to do. I choose to believe that it will be easy; that the taxes will be paid and that my coffers will be overflowing once again. And, believe me; I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

So, I’m done with hard for today and now I’m going to relax and have some fun and I invite you to do that too. To be continued...

Who said it has to be hard? Chapter Two

2009-09-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

Chapter Two

LIFE IS HARD AND THEN YOU BASICALLY DIE

I don’t know if you’re enjoying reading this yet but I have to admit that I’m having a great time writing it. Okay, so we all know that life is hard and then you basically die. That line is cracking me up so I’m going to write it again; we all know that life is hard and then you basically die.

I have yet to visit every country but I have done a fair bit of travelling and have lived in both the United States and Canada and my observation is that many, if not all of us, are raised to believe that “anything worth having is worth working hard for” (pardon the grammar), that “if you really want something you have to be willing to work hard for it” that “things don’t mean much if they come too easily” basically, that some kind of hard work or suffering in life is meritorious and may (note I said May) result in some reward but generally that is on the day before you die or, better still, after you die where if you have suffered enough you might go to your religion’s version of heaven.

Now, if you stand back and look at this “wisdom” it seems like a pretty bad deal or, at best, a crap shoot that could well end in a pretty bad deal. But it’s what we’re told by the people in the business of telling us things such as our parents, our teachers, our philosophers, our religious leaders, our politicians and, of course, the crossing guard at kindergarten.

Before I continue I want you to know that I’m not interested in assigning blame or creating guilt, been there done that. I am only interested, let me repeat that, only interested in creating and helping to create awareness because I believe that it is only by being aware that we can consciously create and live our lives. So, I’m not blaming the parents, priests, rabbis, Mrs. Melding the crossing guard, or even Bill Clinton because they were all just parroting what they were told from birth and learned to believe. In fact, I’ll go farther; they were all probably attempting to perform a service by helping us to understand the basic rule of life that hard is good, harder is better and hardest is best when it comes to just about anything.

I, as I believe, most of us, lived my life in accordance with the theory of “hard" even though, occasionally, when reminded that anything worth having had to be earned through hard work, a part of me rebelled at that idea and asked, albeit silently, Who Said So? This is where the theory of “hard” intersects neatly with my second, although really it is my first, major premise; that everyone currently on Earth is here to work on issues surrounding self worth. And I mean everyone.

I have lived many places and visited many others, had several and varied careers and, no matter the social standing, culture or façade, I have yet to meet anyone who has not struggled or is currently struggling (see, hard again) with questions regarding their value and worth as human beings.

Just like I did today. It has been horrifyingly fascinating to write this book as I am watching my thoughts and behavior more carefully than I usually do and today I watched myself go to “hard” about 17 times. To be continued...

Chapter One

2009-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

WHO SAID IT HAS TO BE HARD?

My name is Leslie Kleiman, technically, Susan Leslie Kleiman, or S. Leslie Kleiman. See, even my naming had to be hard. My parents wanted to name me Leslie Susan but my grandparents, whose life epitomized “hard” wanted me named Susan Leslie for some arcane Jewish reason and, through chicanery, had it their way.

I suppose we can’t really blame them, being Jewish and all, surviving Pogroms and emigrating from Eastern Europe with just the proverbial shirts on their backs, brother, they had it hard. But, they believed in the gospel of “hard” and worked hard and then harder and finally achieved a very comfortable existence which was made difficult by the fact that my chicken soup wielding but adorable grandmother gave herself a heart condition by holding her breath too many times when she did not get her own way. In my life, although there were contenders for the title, she may have been the reigning queen of “hard”.

You are probably starting to sense that “hard” was in my genes. Hardworking immigrant grandparents, hardworking type A lawyer father and, after the divorce, charming and attractive fearful mother who became hardworking notwithstanding that she was groomed to marry well (and, if necessary, often) and, thereafter, it could fairly be said, had it “hard”.

Following a short and difficult childhood I, having inculcated the family value, worked hard at school (achieving as my reward, practically straight A’s which was damn well lucky since nothing less would have been thinkable, much less acceptable), hard on my love life, hard on my body and, in general, hard on myself.

Hard, hard, hard, hard, harder, hardest….and the beat goes on.

And, I became by the reigning societal standards, smart, successful, affluent, beautiful, periodically very thin and basically, extremely neurotic. I have to give myself credit; however, I was exceptionally good at “hard”.

Now, in all honesty, I did occasionally take a break from “hard”. At times I segued into unhappiness and even, if truth be told, extreme unhappiness. Other times I detoured to fear and/or anxiety. And really, every once and a while, for a special treat, I would hang out for a short time in self loathing. My piety in the church of “hard” was sincere and, I believe, truly commendable. I understood that the value of anything good in my life was in direct and inverse proportion to how hard I had worked to have it and, as you can imagine, having a successful career, a really comfortable income and lots of nice stuff, I had worked HARD and continued to work hard so as to truly derive the full appreciation for and satisfaction from those things achieved from all my hard work.

Okay, okay, I know, enough already. I don’t want to make it too hard to read this book. Only hard enough for you to truly appreciate it, which brings me to my premise; how hard it is is actually your choice. It is not a given or even a rite of passage. It is a belief system, no more and no less.

I know I had you at hard, and you may, right about now, be scratching your head saying to yourself, “What did she just say”? What the hell kind of Belief System, damn it, everyone knows, life is hard and then you basically die. To be continued.....